Bathroom Scales

I’ve read that it takes 21 consecutive times of doing a task to make it into a habit.

I weigh myself nearly every day. It’s a habit. Some will say it isn’t good to weigh every day, but it keeps me honest. So I strip off my gown and stand on the scales ‘nekked as a jaybird’ so as not to add a single ounce to the already too high number.

This is part of my ritual that comes just after getting out of the bed each morning and making it up (including all the unnecessary pillows) before I make my short trip into the little room. Making your bed when you REALLY have to go to the little room speeds things up immensely! Of course, in the little room, I do the most important thing first…again, so as not to add a single ounce to the already high number.

Then I step onto the scale. I either celebrate with a little happy giggle or step down and shove it back under the chair so I don’t have to be reminded of its report for that particular day.

But this morning I realized that I do something while I’m standing on the scale that makes no sense. I don’t even think about it. I hold in my stomach! I do!

Why would I do such a stupid thing?
Am I thinking it will cause me to weigh less when I do that?!?
Will it somehow magically decrease that number that shows up in the little window?

No…I’ve realized the ugly truth. I hold in my stomach simply to be able to see the numbers.

What is silly about all this is that I’ve had eight abdominal surgeries and I can’t really hold in my stomach at all! It is actually a ‘holding-attempt’ on my part, which is pathetic at best!

One thing I will never own is a “Garfield-scale!” You know the one that makes snide remarks when he steps onto it? I don’t ever want to hear my scale tell me things like:
• “One at a time, buddy! One at a time!”
• “If you’d go on a diet, two underdeveloped nations would have enough to eat.”
• “Good news. Herman Melville wants to write a book about you.”




Always remember that if you have a pulse, you have a purpose…so make your life count!

Random Thoughts:

• Who decides what the flavor should be on the envelope glue you lick for greeting cards? I have been on a diet when I would actually enjoy tasting the glue because it was a little sweet. That is pathetic.

• How do male psychiatrists deal with a menopausal wife?

• Does the Pope ever find a piece of furniture in the dark, hurt his toe, and then say something bad under his breath?

• Who decided that one could drink whatever came out of a cow’s udders?

• What does your hairdresser think when he/she runs into you in a social situation? Are you having the kind of hair-day that they hope no one in the room knows that you are a client? It takes a lot of guts for me to sit next to my hairdresser nearly every Sunday morning.

• When a dog’s treat rolls under the refrigerator, will he EVER forget that it went under there?

• Do angry chefs really spit on your food when you send it back because it wasn’t done quite to your liking? I don’t like seasoning on my steaks and always order them “naked” so one time when I was served an obviously seasoned steak, I jokingly told the server to either rinse that one off or get another for me. She came back to my table about two minutes later with the same steak, sitting in a puddle of water! I am not kidding!!! (After sharing my dilemma with the restaurant manager, I got a free dinner…but kept wondering if the chef or server got even with me one way or another.)

• When a constantly screaming child’s parent FINALLY gets up and takes the kid out of a restaurant after about five minutes…is it okay to applaud? I did that one day at Olive Garden, but I clapped very quietly under the table. (…and I know that there are kids that have special needs and have a rough time in crowds, but it seemed pretty certain to me that this wasn’t one of them, so don’t hate me for clapping quietly.)

• Do you think Regis is driving his wife, Joy, nuts now that he has retired from his television show?

• Will we ever get away from reality TV shows? Please tell me we will!

• Why do we get on elevators, then turn around and watch the doors until it’s time to disembark? Are the doors going to open by surprise?

• And speaking of elevators…why not sing while we’re riding? My hubby did that once. We got on a crowded elevator for a lengthy ride and he invited everyone to sing a song with him! We sang “You Are My Sunshine” even as we stopped on every floor. As people got off, then others got on, we kept singing. When Joe and I reached the top floor and got off…one gentleman (who had boarded on the main floor with us) remained on the elevator. Joe asked him if that wasn’t his floor, too. He said, “No. I just wanted to finish the song with you.”

• Why do some people never miss a good chance to shut up? I have a button that reads: “I love the sound you make when you stop talking.”

And on that note, I’ll end the ponderings for now.




Always remember that if you have a pulse, you have a purpose…so make your life count!

Thankful: Final Installment

I promised in my last blog not to be too serious in this blog posting…but I am thankful for the normal things everyone else is thankful for: my husband, our family, our house, our church, my faith, being able to live in the great city of Alcoa, living in a free country…you know, all the normal stuff. But when I think about it all, I realize I’m thankful for other things, too…so let the thankfulness begin!

I’m thankful for flameless candles. As many candles as I have in my house, you’d think it was a Catholic Church minus the statues. And all the candles are the kind you must light with a match or lighter. One exception: the candle in our bedroom. Hubby and I both wear masks hooked to C-Pap machines when we sleep. With the hoses and headgear we resemble the characters in the opening bar scene of the first Star Wars movie. (Get frisky and we'd electrocute one another!) But my hubby has to have oxygen along with the forced air from the C-Pap. If I decided to set a romantic mood and light a candle in our bedroom, it could turn deadly with a lit candle and oxygen. Hence, the flameless candle…a battery-operated, slightly scented, mood setter.

I’m thankful for multiple pairs of eyeglasses, reading glasses and contact lenses. You wouldn’t think I could be thankful for them at all because I lay them down and lose them on a regular basis. I don’t need them all the time so I might need a little GPS device that will take me to them when they’re lost...of course, unless a pair is on my head, which has happened many times.

I’m thankful for my dog, Dobie. He starts his day curled up in my lap as I lay in bed reading the morning paper. When I come in the door after being gone for five minutes or five days, I still get the same greeting…as if I am his favorite human! Then when my hubby comes in, I am reminded of who Dobie’s real favorite human is.

I’m thankful for nail polish. It fixes things. Runs in stockings…broken teacup handles…bumpers. I had a navy blue van that got a little crunch on the back bumper that was terribly visible, so I used my daughter’s navy-colored nail polish and hid the mistake I’d made by backing into someone’s sedan. The only damage on the other car was a little navy blue paint on their bumper.

I’m thankful that Skyline Chili was created.

I’m thankful for make-up. If you saw me in the mornings without it, you would understand why.

I’m thankful for Ore-Ida coming up with those frozen potatoes that I can steam in the microwave, mash them with a little butter and milk, and have people think I worked a lot more than I did to make that side dish.

I’m thankful for Sam’s Club. Where else can I buy 18 rolls of paper towels in a pack or a 24 roll package of bathroom tissue? My hubby is thankful that when we shop at Sam's while all the food samples are out, he doesn’t have to take me to a restaurant on our way home.

I’m thankful for pre-lit Christmas trees…peanut butter…my recliner…my Verizon phone with navigation, a guitar tuner, and a rubbery plastic cover around it because it gets dropped so much.

I’m grateful for facebook because I’ve been able to reconnect with friends from childhood, former churches and my family

I am grateful for my “MacBook Air for Dummies” book…for seat warmers in my CRV (except when I don’t realize I’ve dropped a piece of candy that ends up being melted into my pants when I’m on my way to a meeting)…for good neighbors…hair products…and Intuition Razors because I shave my legs every day and they don’t cut me to shreds. (Yes, I shave my legs every day. If I don’t, I can’t get to sleep at night. Maybe I’m OCD about this, but my legs always feel good when I climb under the sheets!)

I’m thankful someone thought of belly-button rings, because I may need to have my belly-button pierced, so I’ll have someplace to hook my bra a few years from now!

I’m thankful for Reese’s Peanut Butter Minis because I don’t have to waste time unwrapping them. I can just zip open the bag and chug! I’m thankful for our gym where I can walk on the treadmill, ride the bike and hopefully work off some of the calories I’ve consumed from the aforementioned bag.

I’m thankful for Panera, Cheddars, Olive Garden, Cracker Barrel and Five Guys. I’m thankful that my husband doesn’t expect me to eat at Chick-Fil-A every time he does. I’m thankful my daughter and son-in-law are cooking Thanksgiving dinner and I’m not.

And I’m thankful for those of you who actually read to the end of this blog…and not because you might be OCD and just had to finish it.




Always remember that if you have a pulse, you have a purpose…so make your life count!

Thankful: Part Two

More thankfulness oozing from me…this time for my daughter Hannah Elizabeth Green Slaughter…thus, part two. Her daddy was the subject of my first “Thankful” post…which makes sense since she wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for him!

I never truly understood my mother when she would say that she loved so much she thought her heart could burst. Now I get it.

I understood it the first time I felt her flutter in my belly…the first time I saw her moving in the ultrasound as the nurse kept explaining what we were looking at. I had seen enough ultrasounds that I knew what to look for, but poor Joe just kept saying, “uh-huh” until he finally told the nurse he had no clue what she was pointing at. So she jiggled my tummy a bit…the baby began moving her legs and all of a sudden Joe could see this little person we had both fallen in love with!!!

And then she was born. Details are too many to share in this posting but one day I will tell you about the miracle that Hannah Beth really is. I was totally taken with this little blessing. All newborn babies look like Winston Churchill. Or at least until MY baby was born! She was beautiful…is beautiful.

I’m thankful for the little girl who was so curious at every turn…who would walk through a store when she was three years old and look with her eyes and not her hands. She would literally hold her hands behind her back, walking and looking at merchandise. Sales people were amazed at her. I was proud of her. Then we’d take her to restaurants and she would order asparagus. Servers would ask how we got her to do that. I have no clue. But I can tell you that at the age of 26 she is one of the most adventurous foodies I know!

When I think of all the sketchpads, pencils and markers we would purchase before a trip so that Hannah could draw in the car…I am thankful that investment paid off. She is an amazing graphic designer and illustrator and gets MONEY for what she loves! I’m thankful that HGTV took notice of her work and have her in their employ.

She makes me smile! My daughter is quirky…she has a style all her own…brown eyes (I always wanted a brown-eyed baby)…incredibly long eyelashes…a smile that is infectious and a laugh to go with it. Hannah is inventive, sassy, curious, and creative. She is a boot-lover…wears pearls…can put an outfit together and add that ‘just-one-more-thing’ to make the look perfectly hers! Her tastes in clothing, decorating, cooking and everything else she ventures into make me want to be like her when I grow up!

Music flows easily from her fingers and through her voice. A friend told me yesterday that she doesn’t really know Hannah, but loves watching her lead worship music on Sunday mornings because it just makes her happy. I understand that. It makes me happy, too.

My daughter is married to a gentleman. A handsome, thoughtful, musical, smart, stylish, talented (did I mention handsome?) man. I could likely compose a blog all about him but he’d hate that. But if I were to mention one more thing I’m thankful for that is connected to my daughter…it would be my son-in-law. I really like this guy!

I enjoyed the baby she was…the little girl…the kid…the teenager and the college woman. But I can tell you that as fun as all that was (except sometimes when hormones were raging during her teens) I really like the woman she is now. Being her mom is the best thing I could have ever have been!


Oh my. I’ve become WAY too serious in these two blog postings!!! It’s time to get back to my normal nonsense. Before Thanksgiving I will definitely find some funny things that I’m thankful for.




Always remember that if you have a pulse, you have a purpose…so make your life count!

Thankful: Part One

You know how I can tell that Thanksgiving is near? Because the cost of Halloween stuff is 75% off in the stores and Christmas decorations have been up since October!

Somehow we just breeze right through these last months of the year, don’t we? While I’m contemplating emptying my “Christmas Closet” this week (and splashing my house with decorations that will remain up until the first week of 2012) I don’t want to skip the “being thankful” part.

Maybe it is pathetic that I just typed that last sentence…

I am thankful every single day!

For instance…I’m thankful for my husband, Joe.

This is a man who loved his mother dearly, showing me that he knew how to treat a lady…the one that is my best friend who makes me laugh…sleeps next to me every night wearing a C-Pap mask just like I do (if we got frisky with those things on, we’d likely electrocute one another)…the one who sings “Only You” to me at random times…has this cute little growl when I rub his back as we’re hugging…dances with me in the kitchen…the man who, so he won’t awaken me, carefully takes the magazine from my hands and the reading glasses off my nose because I’ve fallen asleep before he climbs into the bed…thanks me after every single meal, even when it is just a peanut butter and banana sandwich because we are both too tired to bother with anything else…the guy who doesn’t order dessert but offers to help me with mine…the guy who clicks his pen while he’s thinking (which drives me crazy but at least I know he is awake and in control of the TV remote)…the man who is an excellent provider…my leaf raking hero (I’m the blower)…the one who knows my favorite store (C.J. Banks) and shops there for Christmas…who tells me I’m beautiful even when I’m not wearing makeup and have on my favorite gray lounging pants and a humongous tee-shirt with Mickey Mouse on the front…the man that comes up and wraps his arms around me while I’m doing dishes…and gives me playful squeezes when I least expect it (and lets me squeeze him back every time)…who brings the paper-plus-a-poodle to me in bed every weekday morning…the guy who is delightfully the same at home with me as he is everywhere else he goes…who seems to know when I need encouragement…loves me unconditionally…who feeds my soul in every Sunday morning sermon and throughout the week with the very life he leads…a man I don’t deserve, but am very thankful he chose me to be the one he took to the cemetery to propose to…and the wonderful father to our daughter, which brings me to my next blog posting. This is just some of what makes me thankful for Joe. There is much, much more.

Will you be thankful to God for someone or something today?

Have I helped you make a start on that?

Good. Then my job here is done…until next time.



Always remember that if you have a pulse, you have a purpose…so make your life count!

Terminology

They used to be called Used Cars. Now they are called Pre-Owned Cars.

Instead of using the search engine on your computer to obtain information on the World Wide Web you just Google it!

I’m awfully thankful that I never heard my daughter say, “Mom, I think I must have poison ivy because I have an uneasy irritating sensation in the upper surface of my skin that must be the result of a mild stimulation of my pain receptors.” By the time she’d have said all that, I could have already pulled the anti-itch cream out of our medicine cabinet.

Many merchants have instructed employees not to say “Merry Christmas!” In order not to offend any shoppers, they must say, “Happy Holidays.”

Because some folks want to be politically correct, our schools don’t have Christmas Break anymore…it’s called Winter Break. Give me a break!

Why can’t they just call something what it is?

It used to be called Constipation. Then it was called Irregularity. Just this morning, I heard a new one for constipation: Slow Intestinal Transit. Eating breakfast at that moment, I almost spit out my mouthful of oatmeal (long-cooking, of course, for Intense Fiber Therapy) when I heard that one!!!

But I totally understand why Hemorrhoids are not called Piles anymore. That’s just disgusting!




Always remember that if you have a pulse, you have a purpose…so make your life count!

Laughter makes my face hurt!

With all the trips I’ve made the last several months one thing has remained constant…laughter. I’ve been with people that made me laugh, laughed with me and even had a few times when people laughed AT me!

Have you ever been with a friend and you start a story, the friend adds to it and pretty soon both of you are laughing uncontrollably? You can't even finish the story because you’re both crumbling into laughter with every breath! That happened to me several times this summer. It happened to me today when a friend and I had lunch and stayed at the table waaaay too long, laughing and talking and laughing some more! Thank you, Angie…I needed that!

While in Ohio I spent a night at my friend Linda’s house. Linda Daft is this sweet, precious, gullible friend and I just couldn’t help myself. I cannot share with you what we giggled about because I’d have to kill you, but I can promise you that I laughed so hard my water broke and I’m not even pregnant!!!

On a trip to Delaware I took a side road and spent one night with friends from my radio days in Chattanooga. Ed and I worked together at a couple of stations. (I’ve mentioned him in a previous blog…the guy that was smart enough to know I wasn’t a reporter.) I hadn’t seen them in a while…in fact hadn’t seen her since I sang in their wedding 26 years ago. Ed and his wife Tricia live in Fredericksburg, Virginia. Driving there was a pure joy because the countryside was so beautiful! I enjoyed a delicious meal in their home. And FABULOUS dessert…Oatmeal Pie! (check out Tricia’s blog “Saving Room for Dessert” at www.savingdessert.com) After dinner, we sat in their den and visited for a long time. The dogs kept us entertained. Abby, the Jack Russell Terrier, is one funny little gal! There is a drawer where she hides her treats and will sit there staring at it till someone opens it for her! She also loves to chase laser lights and sunlight with shadows. Funny little girl! So is Mocha, but she wasn’t quite as goofy as her ‘sister.’ Between laughing at the dogs and telling stories from ‘the old days’ I think I laughed more than I had in a long time. In fact, when I went to bed that night, turned out the light and got very still…I realized that my face hurt! It actually hurt! Ached! And my cheeks were still sore the next morning! It’s good to laugh like that every once in a while…

I continued my drive the next day to spend the weekend in Delaware, where I had the opportunity to reconnect with another friend from radio whom I hadn’t seen in 20 years. Kathy and I have stayed in touch over the years even though we haven’t been face to face, and again, laughter permeated the conversation. We shed a few tears, too. Kathy and I have tons in common! She has this great sense of humor and we have always had fun together…this visit was no exception. The only problem was that it didn’t last nearly long enough!! (by the way, she is the lovely lady I'm hugging in the above picture...taken at RX-107 where we worked together in 1990 and 91)

Then there was the visit with our host at his condo in Delaware. I say ‘our’ because my sister and I spent time with this friend from Ohio...a friend that I’ve loved since I was 9 years old. Vangie flew in…I drove…and we had a great time at the beach even though it rained the whole time we were there. Ron lives in Baltimore and invited my sister and me to visit him at his condo at Rehoboth Beach. The three of us spent plenty of our time laughing. Time may have passed but we were all able to pick right up where we left off…

The best person I can laugh with is my husband! Joe is one of the funniest people I have ever known! I heard his laugh before I ever laid eyes on him! No kidding! I turned around to see who had that WONDERFUL, full laugh and there he was. Maybe I could say it was ‘love at first laugh’ because I truly was attracted to that laugh. And it sure didn’t hurt that he was a hunk! Still is!

There have been nights when we’d lay in bed and talk about our day…pretty soon laughing uncontrollably…then adding something else to it, causing more raucous laughter! I remember when our daughter was little, she would yell from the other end of the hall: “I wish you two would be quiet! There are SOME people who have to go to school tomorrow!!!”

It’s better that she heard laughter instead of arguments.

Proverbs 17:22 in the New Living Translation reads: “A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person’s strength.” So, obviously, friends…to quote James Brown: “I feel good….doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo…just like I knew that I would now…!” (for the rest of the day that song will be stuck in your head)

There are times when I don’t think I have anything to laugh about, or even smile about. But then something happens and I laugh so hard that I have tears running down my leg.

If this blog posting made you laugh, then I’ve done what I set out to do!



Always remember that if you have a pulse, you have a purpose…so make your life count!